Fighting The Savior II

________________________________________________________________________

I realized...you can't really say what you want to... First, you need to think of the exact words to use. You need to also speak clear and precise, with a serious tone, or else no one will take you serious.

I haven't been sleeping good this past while, but that is because it's summer...mostly.

It was around this time of the season, a few years ago, for one week I have been having this same nightmare about spiders. I'm horrified of spiders, especially the tiny ones. For the five out of seven days, the dream was the same. I would come-to on my bed in my room, and the walls/floor/doors/windows/ceiling, just everywhere was littered with these huge tarantulas. In the dream- of course I would freak out and scream my head off nonstop. I would be frozen in fear, unable to move. Every time one came close or made a move I would panic and shriek. The tarantulas were black and hairy, with thick yellow stripes on their legs.

On the six day- before I went to sleep- I did a google search (yeah blah blah blah) and decided to find out what it meant to dream of spiders.

"To dream of tarantula represents feelings of total hopelessness or despair. You feel powerless to do anything except notice yourself being slowly overtaken by something you fear. A tarantula is a sign that you are aware of limitations or problems and are accepting them."

"To dream of a spider represents feeling trapped or hopeless. A negative situation that feels inevitable or impossible to escape. Beliefs about things that you think are permanent or will never go away. Alternatively, spiders may reflect irrational beliefs. Powerful insecurities that prevent you from doing what you want in life. Irrational fears that prevent you from enjoying yourself, or powerful desires for things you don't believe you can ever have. Positively, a spider may represent a positive area of your life that is intricate and patient. Inevitable success based on skill. This would usually be represented by blue or white spiders. Example: A man dreamed of seeing spiders flood his bedroom. In real life he had an embarrassing health problem and believe it would never allow him to have a girlfriend. The spiders reflected how trapped he felt by his health problem."

Little did anyone know...I have been sick since March, it was now July. I have been secretly getting worse and worse. I pinpointed the sickness, and diagnosed myself. (at a later date I went to a doctor to confirm it and I was eventually right.) The sickness (leaving it unnamed, for personal reasons) could have spread to my other organs and shut them down. Every night it was painful and unbearable.

At this time, back then, I was in the closet for about 7- going on-8 years. I was depressed, severely. In my own mind, I knew this sickness could end it for me, so I won't have to. I wanted the infection to spread to my other organs, so I would eventually go into a state that was beyond saving. I wanted to damage my health, because I was too much of a coward to just end it the easy way.

I kept it a secret from everyone...well, almost everyone. I was drinking...this one time...and I kind of let it slip out to a close friend. But that's besides the point.

Back to the story~

On the sixth night- the nightmare changed. It was the same setting and everything, except one detail- the spiders themselves were no longer tarantulas- they were black widows. They were doing everything the previous spiders were in the past dreams. But I acted different- because the dream changed- I was able to change how I acted. I started killing all of the black widows. I didn't want to die. I didn't want to be bitten. I wanted to survive. I wanted to...live through this...

" If you kill a spider in your dream, then it symbolizes misfortune and bad luck."

I asked this...woman...who is very spiritual in my culture (native american) on the seventh day. I told her about the 5 days of tarantulas and the one night of black widow killing. She simply told me- "Eric, it sounds like you're about to go through a lot of changes soon." I nodded, but I didn't verbally respond. I was already mentally preparing for the worst. It's like, you tie yourself down if a tornado is going to be over your head for a very long time- you have to endure the storm, whether you're ready or not.

On the seventh day...the nightmare changed once again. I came to...and already...all the spiders were dead. Every single one was lifeless when I woke. I didn't do the killing this time.

"It looks like I have no choice."

The spiders were both, the yellow stripped tarantulas and the black widows. I simply walked through the hollow corpses and headed outside my room and into the open....

"Through the valley of promises- I will fear no end."
"On the brink of weakness- I WILL ascend."

That year, I came out of the closet on my birthday, and I also told everyone I was severely sick. I explained that this is my last resort, my last chance I can give myself to turn my life around. I wasn't ready to come out of the closet, I forced myself out. I didn't have time to "be ready" The infection could have done me in any day. I took the leap of faith.
______________________________________________________________________________

Fast-forward to the present~

I'm still sick. I know, I know, it's my own fault. Blah Blah Blah, I know I'm paying for what I did to myself. "You waited too long to get help." I know, I did. I want to justify what I did, but I better not. Because spreading and sticking up for depression is....double-edged in my mind. Depression....can make people do a lot of...sinister things.

I'm getting better though, you know, it's at a point where I hardly feel the pain anymore, as time passes by, I'm sure I will be 100% down the road. Slowly, but surely.

Anyway...what this journal has been building up to...is....I had the dream again, but the house was different, the room was different, the spiders were different...and...the protagonistS were different.

In the nightmare- I came to, and I woke up in this bed, the spiders were crawling down from the walls/ceiling, and they were on the floor, but there were no windows. It was a small, small room. The room itself was like the size of a prison cell.

I panicked, I was frozen in fear. The next thing I know, two of my brothers (who live with me in the same house) come rushing in to save me. THEY started killing the spiders. The oldest brother grabbed a spray can and had a lighter in hand and created a home-made mini-flame thrower. He started torching the spiders one by one. Please note- he is a fire fighter. This worries me...I want to tell him to not fight any fires this year. I...don't think I'm in a right place to say such things though.

"It's just a dream."

After all....right?

"Idle hands wait for you to slip."
"I will catch you and hold you with a heroes grip."