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I don't really know where to begin.....
Somewhere along the road, lines have to drawn and boundaries need to be placed. Time after time after time...after time, I TRIED to get "quality family time" in, but I would always get shot down. I was feeling pretty shitty, and I decided to TRY and have a good day. It was going okay for once, then I tried to ask everyone if they wanted to watch a movie in the living room, everyone said yes at first. So I go to my room and download the movie, when it's all done I put it on an external harddrive and ask if they're all ready.... they were all pissed for some reason. Probably needed their weed fix or some shit, so they said no, not tonight.
And I was just like, you know what, I'm done trying. I'm not going to waste anymore time on TRYING to get along with my family. I'm just done. There's no more chances to be given; there's no more energy to be wasted; there's no more let downs to be had. I'm just through with it all. I have my friends, who I tend to spend MORE time with than my family. I swear to fucking god, I have watched more movies with my friends than I have with my family over my entire lifespan. I've had more intelligent conversations with my friends than my family. My fucking friends KNOW MORE about me than my family. It's just no one fucking cares about each other in this house.
No more expectations = No more let downs
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I am in the process of switching therapists....which is kind of tough. I have a lot of things going on just recently, and now I can't even really deal with them. With my new therapist, I have to tell my entire story over again. In an only 1 long session, I just about covered age 15.
I'm kind of trying to push everything negative away until the time comes to finally be able to talk and deal with it all. My new therapist is really intriguing, his methods and morals are really something. I barely know him, but I have a feeling it's going to work out in the long run.
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I recently tested my mental endurance with certain things. And I have to say...I'm shocked and scared...and proud.
No longer do I depend on others heavily. No longer do I throw my love at someone right away. No longer do I let anyone have power over me.
My power is my own. It will always be; never again will I suffer from the hands of another.
I'm shocked that this time it's beyond different. I'm not used to having so much control over my heart. I'm scared that it will be tough to love someone again. I'm proud that I am not hurt, crying, sleepless.
You can't depend on someone to make you smile. You have to be able to smile by yourself, even when you're alone.
Love thyself, in order to love someone else.
Absorbing some culture
https://youtu.be/t-qr7hnjQNI
Shielding The Skies
A year later, and here I am. I stand here, brokenly unbroken. I'm short of breath. I'm weak. I'm vulnerable. I am more human than the last time I was here. I'm not saying humans are weak. I'm saying there is not enough strength in certain versions of human nature. To coast through life in this day and age, it can be mind-numbing.
A lot has happened that I am unable to put into words. A lot has yet to happen that I can not yet perceive or even foresee. I sense it. It's like a raindrop about to hit you. It's coming. It's there. It exists. I can't see it yet. I can only somewhat feel it.
Brokenly unbroken.....that's how I describe myself.
I j
Raiding The Crowds
The algorithm of the universe is very, very unpredictable. To be told what tomorrow holds for you, is mostly just a lie. A promise is sometimes always an arm's length away.
The word "mystery" is the best to describe tomorrow, and the day after.
Are there plans?
Can you truly perceive the hour ahead?
The judgement of each decision is always swift in reality. I don't know if I make the right decisions when I do. Even if I secretly judge them straight away. I have to live with the decisions I have made.
Career-wise, I can only hope for better days. I had to leave that toxic environment as soon as possible. I had to learn how to defend myse
Raiding The Clouds
I lock a lot of memories away for very, very good reasons.
That old piece that someone recently favorited, I was actually thinking about that particular memory.
I drank a lot in the past. When I would get low on booze, I popped pills to "extend" my buzz.
I'm not talking about regret. I'm not talking about pain. I'm talking about the fact that there's certain actions we take to get through something. Yes, it was stupid to do such a thing multiple times.
Keep in mind, I wrote a lot of my old material while intoxicated. A lot of those popular pieces on each account, I was drunk or sleep deprived, or both.
In the back of my mind to this day,
© 2013 - 2024 SurvivingNights
Comments1
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I can relate. And I must say, I'm so proud of you to have come to this conclusion. It'll make your life so much easier and happier. Who says you can't pick your own family? I have given up on my own family and I've made a new one out of friends and seems to me you have too. 
You indeed can only make yourself happy and there's nothing wrong with having a hard time loving someone. If a person wants your heart, he/she'll have to work hard for it and this is how it should be, since your heart is not for everyone.
I wish you much strength. I know the words you've written down and it's easier to write them than to actually live them. But keep to your words, even when it gets tough and you really want to reconcile. Everyone deserves a second chance, but if you've already given your family that chance... Seriously... then stick to your words. If you want to talk about it, I'm there for you!
And lastly, I hope things will indeed work out with your new therapist. Good luck.
You indeed can only make yourself happy and there's nothing wrong with having a hard time loving someone. If a person wants your heart, he/she'll have to work hard for it and this is how it should be, since your heart is not for everyone.
I wish you much strength. I know the words you've written down and it's easier to write them than to actually live them. But keep to your words, even when it gets tough and you really want to reconcile. Everyone deserves a second chance, but if you've already given your family that chance... Seriously... then stick to your words.
If you want to talk about it, I'm there for you!And lastly, I hope things will indeed work out with your new therapist. Good luck.