SurvivingNights

A year later, and here I am. I stand here, brokenly unbroken. I'm short of breath. I'm weak. I'm vulnerable. I am more human than the last time I was here. I'm not saying humans are weak. I'm saying there is not enough strength in certain versions of human nature. To coast through life in this day and age, it can be mind-numbing. 

A lot has happened that I am unable to put into words. A lot has yet to happen that I can not yet perceive or even foresee. I sense it. It's like a raindrop about to hit you. It's coming. It's there. It exists. I can't see it yet. I can only somewhat feel it. 

Brokenly unbroken.....that's how I describe myself. 

I just keep taping myself together. I just keep melding into my pieces that are nearly falling off. I just keep holding myself together because I promised I could never let myself fall apart ever again. 

No matter what happens to me, I force myself to keep standing. 

I realized today....I no longer carry confidence in myself. I am oblivious. I have to be oblivious of what my fears and tears require. I have to be oblivious to what pain I endure each night and every day. Confidence within obliviousness is not confidence...it is a form of trust. I have to trust that each step I take, is the right step. I am meant to take these steps. I have to force myself to trust myself. 

I walk blindly into the future. 
I trust wholeheartedly that I am meant to stand until I stand no more.  

The algorithm of the universe is very, very unpredictable. To be told what tomorrow holds for you, is mostly just a lie. A promise is sometimes always an arm's length away. 

The word "mystery" is the best to describe tomorrow, and the day after.  

Are there plans? 

Can you truly perceive the hour ahead? 

The judgement of each decision is always swift in reality. I don't know if I make the right decisions when I do. Even if I secretly judge them straight away. I have to live with the decisions I have made. 
Career-wise, I can only hope for better days. I had to leave that toxic environment as soon as possible. I had to learn how to defend myself mentally, and socially. If I force myself to thrive in such a poisonous, toxic, venomous environment, I have become what I dread and despise. 

The person I become, became, overcame, I never want to be that person on a daily basis ever again. 

My words are only ever as sharp as my wit. How can I be kind to others if I can't trust them? I know everyone has two faces. It's just, sometimes I never knew which face I was talking to. 

Words have gotten back to me. Words have been said to me. I was being taken for granted. 

I worked my fucking ass off day in and day out for three fucking years. To be told I wasn't good enough on a weekly basis was always a slap in the face. 

It's not my job to make my boss look good. It's not my job to make my coworkers look good. It's my job to make my department look good. That's all I ever cared for. 

People never understand, these are the reasons why I choose the lone wolf path. Two-faced people, lazy people, toxic people, these people are all the reasons that force me to only settle for being a lone wolf. In school, in family, and when it comes to work. I rarely have a decent, humane experience when it comes to working with others. I don't exist to pick up the slack. 

If I can do it fine by myself, then good. If not, I'll find a way to make it work. I always do. 

I can't depend on anyone, ever. If I do, I get the shit-end of the shit-stick. 

Leaders don't exist. People cannot be led. 

People are just sheep, living the sheep life.

I take responsibility for my actions. I take responsibility for my words. I will NOT take responsibility for irresponsible people. 

I lock a lot of memories away for very, very good reasons.

That old piece that someone recently favorited, I was actually thinking about that particular memory.

I drank a lot in the past. When I would get low on booze, I popped pills to "extend" my buzz.

I'm not talking about regret. I'm not talking about pain. I'm talking about the fact that there's certain actions we take to get through something. Yes, it was stupid to do such a thing multiple times.

Keep in mind, I wrote a lot of my old material while intoxicated. A lot of those popular pieces on each account, I was drunk or sleep deprived, or both.

In the back of my mind to this day, I believe those pieces are immature and out dated. I really wish to revamp each piece that I have uploaded. I've only revised a handful. There's a lot of pieces I revised that I haven't even had the time to reupload.

The main reason is that I need to touch up on my photoshop skills and also do cover art for each piece. I'm barely on my PC as it is these days. It's acting up. I believe the thermal paste on my graphics card is done. I'm in the market for a new gaming PC.
I'm getting off topic now.

I don't pop pills anymore. I don't drink a lot at all, maybe once a month.

I was holding a lot inside during those years. I wrote a lot. I conveyed an endless sea of emotions. I cried a lot. I stayed awake for days on end. I changed a lot in such little time. I had to. I wanted to. I was living in a dangerous, self-hating, self-destructive way for a very long time, and it had to be now or never at some point. There's always a breaking point. There's always a rock bottom.

One has to come to realize at some point in their lifetime, there's so many different paths you can take in life. There's always a better path waiting for you to start it.

Believe, strive, persevere, and you just have to -want- change.

I know it's not easy. It's never easy.

Just believe that you can hold on.

I can taste it. I can imagine it. I can dream it. I can fight it.
I'm tempted to create once again. I can hear and feel this rhymes and rhythms dancing around and twirling on the spot. It's been ready. It's always been there. I'm just tempted.

I don't know if I can handle the backdraft of letting go these expressions.

Defining and delving into this synchronized-twister of a mind that I currently reside in. It's a scary afterthought. Dare to dare? Dream to dream? Speak to scream?

I think I'll give it a shot. I have five days to prove to myself what I have become secretly.