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Submitted on
November 28, 2012
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Behind Hollowed Eyes

Day after day-
I tried continuing on to live this way

With damaged veins made of concrete-
I am the undone suicide that was kept a secret

But I can no longer exist-
Inside of this pretentious skin

There is a past that I wish I didn't remember
There is a future that just looks too painful

There is nothing you can say or do that will help
Because...there is..,no turning back now
-
I draw everything away within the undertow
I smother the remnants of your reincarnated hope
I am the lost child you took for granted all those years ago

I am a maelstrom of deceit
I am a darkness that you cannot defeat
I am the awaiting fate of this pathetic destiny

This voice/This smile
This figure/This shadow
This soul/This sorrow
This pain/This hell

These words might not mean anything
But I want to say that I'm sorry, so sorry for everything
That's the last of my sincerity before I accept my destruction

I know that you cannot forgive the unforgiven
The gifts of your trust and love cannot be given again
And I have lost it all, so I am no longer a person who is deserving
-
Night after night-
It's like I was never even really alive

With crushed thoughts of self-hatred-
The aggression never once ended

And now I can no longer live-
With this unbearable injustice

Who I am- is not who I was meant to be
I was always pretending to be this person that you see

Remember not- these last emotionless good byes
You'd do the same too if you knew what it was like- trapped...behind hollowed eyes
Off comes the mask
This will be the first and the last
____________________________
Stock image by - :iconsilviet-stock:
____________________________
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This poem is revised for my remix project-
"Living My Life / Behind Hollowed Eyes"
The Darkness Never Dies (remix edition)
____________________________
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:iconvalleigh:
I liked the whole idea of this poem, it has a great meaning, and you can tell you worked very hard on this.

This was a good idea to use, and I can feel a lot of emotion which is great.

You did a great job at making this your own, i could tell you was very careful on the words you chose to use and you made sure it flowed, where others would understand it.

This poem had great meaning, and I believe most readers could understand where you was coming from. You did an awesome job, never give up, and keep them coming.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconikoshima:
Wow, what to touch on first? I think there is definitely no other piece out there like this. Using dark but sincere diction you achieved something poetic (as it should be) and meaningful. Anyone who reads this can tell it has a lot of meaning to you and reflects some inner conflicts. Be proud of your poetry, it's extraordinary. However, let's touch on the transitions. I really liked them, but, you went from rhyming to suddenly separated thoughts. It flows well, fortunately, but could be disastrous in other circumstances. Overall a lovely piece of work!

Going back to what I said about your diction, there is word choice in this piece I myself would probably never be able to utilize. "pretentious skin" was by far one of my favorite phrases, as well as "damaged veins made of concrete". Not only did you create metaphorical imagery but you provided contrast. (In other stanzas as well.) I think juxtaposition can definitely be one of your strongest writing aspects if you continue to write as you are now.

To be honest, I felt that "There is a past that I wish I didn't remember" is a little cliche, but, it does fit the tone and the mood in this poem. Beware of cliches and overused phrases, an example being "darkness consumed my soul" because terms like this have been seen over and over again. But, don't worry, I think the line I said above was the only one that seemed a bit cliche.

The way you use italics and bold to emphasize certain stanzas is extremely creative. I really love the transitions (I know what I said before but let me explain) because they show transitions among different thoughts and they blend together in such a way that gives the whole piece a great flow. The fact that you've revised this shows because it's awfully astounding what you've created. (Be very proud! c:)

There is such a sense of helplessness and sinking further into some sort of inescapable darkness. It's breathtaking!

"maelstrom of deceit", "pathetic destiny", are just two of the many phrases I simply cannot get over.

I'm trying not to gush and give you some criticism as well, so,
"with broken thoughts of self-hatred" is a good line, but could be bettered with "shattered" or "crushed" to make it a little more intense or effective towards your main idea. Just little changes like that can make a very big difference.

I love the pauses you place in the last two stanzas. These really aid your tone and atmosphere that has already been established.

^^^Be careful with those as well, don't get carried away with pauses and leave your readers confused and discontented!

behind hollow eyes is, in my opinion, a great way to end the piece.

I give this a 10/10, bravo!
What do you think?
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2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.

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:iconerco71:
erco71 Dec 2, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
wow..:)
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:iconsurvivingnights:
SurvivingNights Dec 4, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks. :D
Reply
:iconerco71:
erco71 Dec 4, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
welcome:)
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:iconsmonaghan119:
SMonaghan119 Jan 9, 2013
Completely love it, such emotion and story telling behind it all...great work
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:iconsurvivingnights:
SurvivingNights Jan 11, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you. This is also one of my close favorites. :)
I'm so glad you enjoyed this one also! :D
Reply
:iconaaron-jay:
Aaron-Jay Nov 30, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
hmm... This poem is very unique. I like how it's like the person you are writing the viewpoint from is strong and powerful, but underneath these layers that he shows people he is weak and uncertain. Powerful poem with very real feelings. I love it! :D
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:iconsurvivingnights:
SurvivingNights Dec 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
This is the fourth rewrite. I think it went through a lot of changes, but the concept always remained the same, and what you said about what you liked- your the first person to say that. And you're right, that's exactly what it's about. Being weak on the inside and strong on the outside.
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:iconaaron-jay:
Aaron-Jay Dec 3, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Well, good poets think alike. You're an amazing one and I've been writing since I've been in the womb. I think you make it very clear about how this person feels in your poem. I really wish other people san see the brilliance of your poetry.
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:iconchildofthebeat:
Are you OK? Please let me know if this is fiction or not (if it is, it's very good, feels very real) and if you need / want help, advice, or just a friendly chat :) and I REALLY mean it... :hug: :love:
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:iconsurvivingnights:
SurvivingNights Dec 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I don't know how to entirely label it. But it used to be real, like, it's written/inspired from real life experiences. But alas- I'm not deep into that state of mind anymore. This particular poem has had around four rewrites since that state in life. This is the fourth outcome. I'm sorry if you got worried or if this bothered you. It was not my intention. It's just another poem for another project now. But it's still one that is really, really, really close to me.
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